What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 12:34
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She found it foreign!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why do many Hong Kong Chinese look different from the Han Chinese in mainland China?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Bikini-clad Brooke Shields celebrates milestone birthday on beach vacation: ‘This is 60!’ - Page Six
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
It was going to be , some day.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We were not on the streets..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Long, dark 'streaks' spotted on Mars aren't what scientists thought - Live Science
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He knew the spot.
Im still living with it.
I don,t even have a pension.
I write beautiful poetry .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was scared of men, in general
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She married twice! .
I was seconnd youngest,
So, i spoilt her more .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was very sick at this time too.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But, we were locked up after school.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She wouldn,t have been !
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
So whats the point in blame.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She loved him until the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
One cannot live in the past .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I have no regrets .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I said to her
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
What did i know ?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He resisted the act ,that day.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Put me off passion for life!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Was to survive, this bastard.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Comes on , in middle age.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And i lived it daily.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My life is so biszare .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Would this be the day?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But it wasn’t much.
I will be 64.
Ive learnt so much.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was 9 years of age.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Who then, do I blame.?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We all went to grammer schools
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
When she asked me how she looked .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
All the time i was locked up.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
This is soul school!.
She was in good health!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I think the readers, may guess!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My family never makes their pension either.